I Want to Fit In

Politically Incorrect Social Studies

Dogs Poo Better than Humans

Posted by iwanttofitin on February 15, 2007

I am a firm anti-evolution person. The one thing that drives me so far away from evolution is that if we are supposed to be the epitome of the evolved world, why are we so messy after a good poo?

I’ve taken my dog out thousands of times. Each one of those boring trips I’ve always thought to myself after she takes a nice dump, “That’s so amazing how she just pinches that junk off and her bum is clean as a whistle.” Granted, sometimes her hair gets a little mess on it, but that’s pretty rare. It’s pinch, stand, and hop over her mess. Done. Period. No wiping.

Humans on the other hand (and this is probably geared toward 95% of guys. Girls it’s probably more like 15%) have to sit there and wipe their bums with a foreign material to get clean. If you have a really good sit-down, you’re talking a few courtesy flushes for yourself and half a roll of toilet paper. I don’t know about you, but that stinks literally and figuratively. Even after you’ve used a whole roll sometimes, about an hour later you might get the dreaded butt itch. Oh no my friends, that is not a random itch. That’s the sign that you have a little poo leakage.

Why does this make me not believe in evolution? Well, if we are so far evolved then why did our bathroom abilities unevolve/devolve (neither of those may be right. Google is too much trouble) to the point where dogs are better at it than us? I’d love to be able to put my cheeks down, do my business, and then stand up and go get lunch. If that day ever comes for humans then I will definitely give in to this evolution madness. Until then I salute all the lucky dogs of this world.

Evolution is just dumb anyway.

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16 Responses to “Dogs Poo Better than Humans”

  1. Blair said

    haha! this is totally awesome! i read this earlier today and tried it out on this guy i know who is totally into evolution. he could not challenge the logic of the poo situation.

  2. I hope you don’t seriously intend for this to be an argument against evolution.

    That being said, humans get so messy after a dump because of butt cheeks. They are the site where muscles used in walking upright are attached. Thus they are absent in dogs, as they are quadrupedal. Examine a dog’s anus. It’s just the sphincter. Us humans have those butt cheeks, which the excreted fecal matter is forced to scrape against while leaving the body. Dogs have nothing there for the poop to leave a mess on except, as you noted earlier, hair. Their major leg muscles are in the thigh and thus out of the way of post digested food.

    “The one thing that drives me so far away from evolution is that if we are supposed to be the epitomy of the evolved world”

    If any evolutionist tells you that humans are the epitome of anything, he is pushing a religious or philosophical agenda and not speaking scientifically.

  3. Catie said

    that was probably the most educational comment I’ve ever read.

    Seriously though, I’m pretty sure you didn’t intend for this to be a real argument against evolution.

  4. abyssalleviathin,

    If we are the most highly evolved creatures, then we have to be the epitome at this moment in time. Shouldn’t we have evolved in a way that afforded us the pleasure of having an un-messy poo and being able to walk upright? Why is it that we evolved in one area and devolved in another? Shouldn’t we be constantly progressing?

    Anyway, if you actually believe that I would seriously base my argument against evolution on this idea, then you must really not have a foundational argument for evolution. You felt the need to defend evolution against this ridiculous post.

  5. Kat said

    I’m so glad there are other weirdos out there, have just had this same conversation with a friend in Canada (I’m in London) and she was really wondering about it! Have directed her to this wise forum!

  6. Mark P said

    Whoever said that humans are the ‘epitome of the evolved world’? As far as evolution goes, humans don’t occupy any particularly special place. Human are exactly as much evolved as any other species on earth.

    Also, evolution only weeds out characteristics that hinder our ability to survive and produce offspring. As near as I can tell, being messy or clean when we go to the bathroom doesn’t have anything to do with survival.

    Try learning what evolution is before you start shooting your mouth off about it.

  7. If you are really asking, I think the answer is pretty clear — we have hands and dogs don’t. Since we *can* wipe our butts, we don’t need to have a better, er, dispensing system.

    It’s kind of like the answer to the question: why does our hair get too long?

  8. hi said

    If you ask a supporter of evolution about this matter, and they can’t answer it, the problem isn’t with evolution; it’s with their understanding of evolution. We, as humans, are not the “epitome of the evolved world”, as you have just proven. Who told you that we are? Surely not a scientist.

    In response to your rebuttal to abyssalleviathin… Well, what can I say that I haven’t already said? Your argument is flawed because it follows from a misunderstanding of evolution.

  9. Gary said

    A dog’s sense of smell is also hundred’s of time better than a human’s. A hawk can see 8 times better than a human. A horse can run faster and is stronger than a human. A whale can hold it’s breath under water far longer than a human. etc. etc. etc.

    I’m guessing your post isn’t serious. It’s an attempt at humor I think.

  10. You misunderstand the theory of evolution. The theory does *not* suppose that we are the “epitome of the evolved world”. Dogs are just as highly evolved as we are; so are fish; so are worms. Each of these animals has spent billions of years evolving, and will continue to evolve for… well… probably just a few more years until we nuke the planet.

    Evolution has no “end target” that it’s aiming for. It’s a process of gradually refining a species to fit in with its surroundings. Humans fit in nicely on the land, but fish are nicely evolved for living in the sea, where humans have trouble.

    Also, evolution rarely produces perfect results. For example, it would probably be quite beneficial for humans to have wheels: we could go downhill really, really fast, and when we needed to go uphill, we could use our existing legs. However, as evolution is a process of gradual refinement, we are unlikely to evolve wheels, as the middle stages — the weird lumpy bits that in millions of years might become wheels — would pose no advantage. In fact, the weird lumpy bits would probably mark those few people who had them as freaks, make them less attractive to the opposite sex, and thus less likely to reproduce, so the wheely people would never get a chance to evolve. Evolution has no foresight — it has no way of saying, “trust me on this — in a couple of million years, these lumpy bits will be a major selling point”.

    Things that evolution does very well are making species faster, taller, better at jumping, better at finding food — stuff that has an immediate advantage. I’m not just talking about simple stuff though: complex stuff can present an immediate advantage too. Consider eyes. Originally, creatures had no eyes — they were totally blind. Then one day, some freak was born with slightly photosensitive skin. By concentrating really hard, it was able to tell whether it was dark or light. As most creatures back then were cold blooded, being good at seeking out the sun was a big advantage, so this creature prospered and passed on its genes. A while later, one of these creatures with photosensitive skin developed slightly better photosensitive skin — how was it better? Who knows? Perhaps it could detect certain colours, or perhaps it could detect edges and curves and stuff. Anyway, over millions of years, some creatures evolved eyes. Worms didn’t evolve eyes, but in their environment, they don’t need eyes: they burrow underground where there’s no light. They don’t need eyes. They happened to evolve in a different direction from the one we did — they’re not *less* evolved, but *differently* evolved.

    I’m not claiming that worms are our equals in all respects. We’re clearly more intelligent than them; faster, stronger, and better backgammon players. What more can you ask for? But evolution doesn’t care about any of that. Evolution has no “end target”, so we’re in no way closer to “winning the evolution game” than they are.

  11. Earniescar said

    The answer is simple. The dog has a consistent diet to which the digestive system adjusts to over several feedings. Humans vary what they intake a thousand times over and rarely if ever take in the same substance of the same consistency over and over again. Thus, the human digestive tract is constantly trying to adjust. Hence the messy poop.

  12. Roy said

    … and on the other hand: Creationism.

    An inability to poo neatly indicates that if God created us then He did a crappy job.

  13. John said

    Can you say “satire”, folks? Granted, it’s not very clever, or very funny, but it’s meant to be humorous all the same.

  14. alotofgoodways said

    About a year ago, my mum approached me in all earnest and said “have you seen what happens when the dog poos? He doesn’t even need to wipe his bum!!”

    Also, when my dog takes a dump, his tail goes up and down in a pump like manner, as though he’s using it as a tool to squeeze out every last bit.

  15. Izatso said

    There is a whole lot of crap here being attributed to evolution but not a shred of evidence to back any of it. We could as well call this an “Ode to Evolution”

    Ode to evolution thy process we do not see.

    Ode to evolution, my God, what have you done to me?

    See the dog neatly taking a dump.

    But poor unevolved me, have finished with a stinky rump.

    Oh Evolution, Oh Evolution why can’t we see what you do?

    Perhaps if we could, we might find better ways to poo!

  16. Ema Nymton said

    Wow.

    You’re really dumb!

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