I Want to Fit In

Politically Incorrect Social Studies

At 22 I Urinated on Myself

Posted by iwanttofitin on February 16, 2007

This isn’t what you think. I do not wet my bed. I have been known to drool on my pillow but that’s the extent of my bed-wetting. No, this is much more serious and could have been extremely embarrassing had I not kept my cool. My heart has led me today to share it with all who are willing to share in my shame.

All stories must have a beginning and this one is no different. This one begins with a trip to Tuscaloosa, Alabama for a UA football game. I personally had no interest in Alabama football, nor did the two friends I was going with. We were more interested in making friends and enjoying the college football atmosphere since Kennesaw State University has no football team.

Upon arriving our first stop was a local team paraphernalia store. High priced and all. If we weren’t fans we sure were going to look like a couple of diehards. I say our plan worked. We made friends with the ladies who worked at the store since they were in amazement at how early we were purchasing shirts and hats. It was probably 8 or 9 in the a.m. Our trip started at 6 a.m. Georgia time from what I can remember. Out we walked wearing out BAMA shirts and pre-worn hats. Hey, we needed to be athentic. Oh, we were also given Alabama cups. I still have two of ’em.

The next stop was a Publix for the all-important drink refreshments. The Publix selection was perfect for this occasion, because to be honest, it’s a football game and we just spent some cash on clothing we’d never wear again. That’s not even counting the money we’ll have to dish out for our tickets. I know, we never do anything prepared. Just so you know, we bought tickets for $5 and watched the game from field level. How’s that for awesomeness?! You’re jealous. I would be.

Lastly, we found a nice place to park so we could relax and enjoy ourselves. And enjoy ourselves we did. Susan and her family took us in as their own and offered us shade, food, non-alcoholic beverages, and wonderful conversation. Seeing how Susan’s family gets me no further in my story, it is now done.

While consuming beverages and making conversation with new friends, there were the inevitable bathroom breaks. Many of them. i mean a lot. We were lucky to right next door to their student type common food building.

Now it gets good (as if it wasn’t already). I had talked to an attendee of UA before making the trip down there. I was given her phone number because I wanted to know how to get there, where to get tickets, where to park, etc. A very helpful young lady if you ask me. Not knowing who I was and giving me all the information I needed. Well, I had this phone number from a female of a college where I was going to be for weekend. New friend!! She got a call from me when we arrived in Tuscaloosa and agreed to bring some friends and meet us before the game. How cool is that! Very!

So, later in the day, once we got situated, this new friend of mine called to inform me she was on her way. Calmy I said, “Ok, we’ll see you in a little bit.” Ok, now I have to pee. Alcohol and nervousness just don’t sit well with my kidneys and bladder. All three of us decide to take a good last-minute bathroom break before meeting these girls. Hey, first impressions are everything.

Now we’re at the climax of the story. Like how I built it up and up? That’s good story telling. I really didn’t plan on this. A couple of paragraphs is what I was expecting.

No girl will understand this next part (you will find it funny). Every guy has had this happen to him at one point or another and knows the sheer panic that overcomes you when it happens.

I’m standing at the urinal and start relieving myself. Why is my hand warm? Dannngggiiitt. Split stream! Instead of one stream of urine coming out, I’ve got two splitting off like a fork-in-the-road. This is exactly what I need, urine going in the toilet and the other all over my hand and onto my shorts. Since I was in a relaxed state of mind, I didn’t care. Whatever. No matter what I did, the split stream wouldn’t go back to normal so I just let it do whatever. It’s not like I had two toilets. Now I have urine on my shorts. Because my shorts didn’t receive the full force of one stream it really wasn’t that bad, but urine stinks. That’s not the kind of first impression you want to make. “Don’t mind the smell. I don’t normally smell this bad. That’s just urine on my shorts. Hi, nice to meet you.”

The smart guy I am decides to rinse it off in the sink. You need to realize something. This is basically the restroom for the whole building. It’s game day and dozens of guys are shuffling in and out. On top of that there’s like a thousand people outside the restroom. I’m standing with my crotch in the sink rinsing my shorts off like a total moron. Ok, done. The not too large of a pee spot became a humongous “I had an accident” mess.

The end of the story is this. I spent the next 15 minutes walking through the student store sandwiched between my two friends to cover up my wetness. Thanks guys. No, really, thank you. Oh, and I also looked at a lot of shirts and held them in front of me.

Conclusion. The wet spot dried, we meet up with our new friends Catie and Jessica, watched a football game, drove home, and then I got a girlfriend a few weeks later. That’s right, my first impression was awesome.

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