I Want to Fit In

Politically Incorrect Social Studies

My New Neighbor (aka my stalker)

Posted by iwanttofitin on February 17, 2007

I want share a personal letter I received from my next-door neighbor. Here’s a little background. I live in a townhouse that I just bought at the very end of December. I’m the new guy. That means people are making sure I do what I’m supposed to. We have a Home Owners Association so that means there are rules. Everyone has their own parking space and there are visitor spots randomly placed throughout. The assigned spots are only for residents. That is a very important rule to all my neighbors as you will now see:

Hi Neighbor,

Firstly, welcome to [our subdivision]. I attempted to introduce myself to whomever occupies your unit this afternoon but no one answered the door when I rang the doorbell. STRANGELY (emphasis mine) this morning I awoke to a black SUV parked in one of my parking spaces. I ask that you inform all of your guests that each unit has assigned parking spaces. Your guests are not to use empty spaces of other units. This cul-de-sac has several visitor parking spaces if your two assigned spaces are occupied.

Thank you for being a good neighbor.


This morning I’d like to analyze my new neighbor’s nifty letter.

Monique had no interest in meeting me no matter how hard she tries at the beggining to make sure I think that is why she rang my doorbell. The front of the letter even had “To My New Neighbor” on it. Of course, when I took it off my front door I was thinking, “That’s sweet.” Actually, I was thinking, “Maybe we shouldn’t play Guitar Hero so loud.” How wrong I was. A full two-thirds of the letter is devoted to correct parking etiquette.

My lady friend and her brother pulled into one of Monique’s unoccupied spots at 7:55 in the a.m. to pick me for a visit to their grandparents. The visitor spots are really far away and this was only a quick stop anyway. The car (or black SUV as she put it) was literally gone in five minutes. We pulled out exactly at 8. Why would anyone care, right? Oh, but Monique has a keen eye for evil doers.

What I want to know is why is Monique up at 7:55 a.m. protecting her parking spaces? Does she not have anything better to do? Probably not. I think she likes to irritate people. Example: My roommate and I have had to park as close to the left line of our spaces as possible so we can both easily get out of our cars. Monique has taken it upon herself to make life very difficult for us. She parks as close to the left line of her spot as she can. Thanks. You’ve two empty spaces to your right. Take advantage of that fact. You could even take up your two spaces so no one will park in them.

So Monique has a watchful eye; and some pretty good handwriting I might had. But give me a break. If you’re looking out your window so early in the morning to see the SUV, why didn’t you look again to see that it was gone just as fast as it arrived? Why did you wait until the afternoon? Wouldn’t the complaint be more effective as the offense was occuring?

Monique had some hidden motives. She is stalking me. She watches everything I do and found an opportunity to make a move. I was gone, so she left me a sweet note. One that really ticks me off, but on the surface doesn’t seem like such a big deal. She is being a nice neighbor in reminding me of the rules. She was probably hoping I was gone anyway which is why she waited so long. It can be hard to introduce yourself when you know everything about a person yet haven’t met them. What do you talk about?

Conclusion: Thank you, Monique, for allowing me to add some more very important information on the web. I hope everyone enjoyed this letter as much as I did.


One Response to “My New Neighbor (aka my stalker)”

  1. Casey said

    I, the roommate, would like to add that personally I feel that Monique is a stupid biotch. Sometimes I come home to see her parked so very close to my parking spot, and I feel like getting out of my truck and taking a dump on the hood of her car. Not just any dump. It can not be solid, rather I need a bad case of the runs. Also, I need to have the urge to go SO BAD that by the time I get my pants down I am spraying the entire car, not just the hood. She probably is the one who totalled my motorcycle, angry of the fact that her two fine, studly neighbors do not give a damn about her. In closing I would like to say to Monique; “get laid and leave us the hell alone”. THE END

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