I Want to Fit In

Politically Incorrect Social Studies

Death by Kitty? If Only

Posted by iwanttofitin on February 18, 2007

My brother has this insane devil cat that needs to be talked about. I realize that all cats are insane, but this particular one has extra-special evil abilities. You’ll wish he had finished you off after he was done having his way with you. I mean this in the most literal and serious way possible.

First off, his name is Kitty. That was a mistake. You don’t call a male cat, “Kitty.” Cats have a way punishing everything. The owners don’t usually get the punishment. It’s more of a reach-around spanking, if you will. It doesn’t really hurt the intended recipient, but it still makes things awkward.

Kitty likes to play. His version of play usually involves claws, sneaking, and an extreme cockiness. Ginger (my brother’s dog) likes to lay around wherever. She might be in the den taking a nice little nap and along comes Kitty. Whap! She just received a nice smack to the face as the cat walks by. He is very casual about it too. If she’s lucky, there might be a chance to know the smack is coming. Kitty will roll and play in Ginger’s tail as though he’s being friendly. No way. “Aw look at Kitty being nice,” you might say. Too soon. SMACK and then he runs away like the devil that he is.

When my brother and sister-in-law were in the process of moving to GA from FL, I had to take care of the cat. He stayed in the basement while my dog stayed upstairs. You see, Ivy likes to get along with everyone and everything. She just wanted to be friends with the cat but the cat wanted to be left alone. They had to be separated. Being the curious and typically brave dog she is, she’d start sniffing underneath the basement door to get a whiff of the new animal. All of a sudden there would be a paw striking her from under the door and we’d hear this nasty spitting hiss. No warning given. It was quite comical to see this lone paw coming out of nothingness and searching for a victim. Ivy was always too quick for Kitty.

Ivy was much better at being aware of the cat’s tricks than Ginger. For fun, we’d open the door when the cat was at the top of the stairs and let Ivy and the cat have their battle of moronic proportions. Kitty usually won because we’d close the door before Ivy could run him down the stairs into hiding. Every once in a while we’d let her get the best of him and she’d chase him under some utility bench. His only defense was his paw and hiss. Kitty would try to pull the same tricks on Ivy as he had on Ginger, but to no avail. Ivy watched him closely and would jump out of the way as soon as he made any movement towards her. Smart dog.

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingLastly, if you are in any way afraid of cats, stay away from Kitty. He senses even an ounce of fear and picks on you. If he picks on you, you’ve gotta just pick right back at him. Sometimes he’ll pick on you just because. Basically, if you get caught in Kitty’s wrath, you’ll wish he had killed you instead of having left you scared for your life. He comes out of no where and whaps you. Drinking coffee. Whap. Taking a nap. Whap. Going to the bathroom. No whap. He hates water. You’re safe in the bathroom.

He and I have a strange relationship. I’ll be petting him and he’ll be purring away. Out of nowhere I’ll get a whap to the hand. Thanks cat. Whap. I just smacked you back. It teaches him a lesson and he walks away.

We need visuals. Maybe some other time.

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One Response to “Death by Kitty? If Only”

  1. Dave said

    Just don’t stick his tail up his butt and he’ll be okay.

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