I Want to Fit In

Politically Incorrect Social Studies

Observations on College Beauty: Freshmen

Posted by iwanttofitin on February 27, 2007

Today I’ve decided to continue with some more college observations. Those who have been to college understand the diverse population. This will be a “Diversity Day” type article. I’m not talking about racial diversity. I’m talking about clothing diversity. Some clothing is definitely better than others. This will be part “1” or “Freshmen.” There will be three more parts outlining the typical clothing for your year in college.

When you watch a movie where a college or university is a prominent aspect of the storyline, what do you see? The average college student is not dressed like a model. Why do so many people, especially the females, feel the need to primp themselves for class? My definition of primping would be to put your hair up so everyone can’t tell how greasy your hair really is. Let’s face it, we all are secretly hoping yours is worse than ours.

I had the privilege, nay, honor of taking a freshman history class as a Senior. What a sight I was. Who in their right mind would attend class the way I did? Coming to class with a four day beard, pajama bottoms, slippers, a hoody, and my KSU hat to cover up where I slept on my hair is not normal. I was the only one who came to class and got stares as I sat down and fell asleep. It really is normal though. I swear. Those freshmen just hadn’t seen the error of their ways yet. My life was a small peak into enlightenment.

Freshman beauty:
As I have already hinted at, the typical freshman beauty is very well primped and manicured. She or he will be wearing designer (and by designer I mean designer wannabe clothing. Aka Abercrombie, Hollister, etc.) clothing and it will look like the nude models do in the catalog’s. The guys’ hair will be trimmed properly and filled with gel. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do NOT attempt to touch it! You will be murdered. That is a sacred part of the body. But, after saying that, you will most certainly be able to touch their privates. Lastly, the guys will have no hair on their bodies. They will show this off by not wearing an undershirt and have the top two buttons on their shirt unbuttoned. P.S. be aware of the pink polo and popped collar. This is the essence of the college douche nozzle.

One more thing before moving on the the ladies. Freshmen guys will be surrounded by as many as 20 girls at a time. This not a sign of their ability to pick up women. They’re in college. They are just as willing as the freshmen girls to make as many “friends” as possible. Not one of the girls is really interested in the guy.

To finish off, the female is a wonderful sight to behold. Girls in general have wonderful features. They are a species designed for gazing. This is really only true if they don’t go overboard. If you come into contact with the female freshman, she has gone overboard. There is no need to check her out to know this. It is just a fact. It’s in the Encyclopedia and Wikpedia. No argument needed.

The females add to their fake designer clothing a crazily disgusting party mask. You’d think they were going to a costume party and sometime I would like to tell them to take it off and wait for the party to start. This mask is applied using gobs and gobs of gunk to the point where their face is no longer the same color as the rest of their body. This is how you know it’s a mask. Further evidence will be the “I just got punched in the face” black eyes. Don’t offer to get them ice. This only makes them mad. Oh, and those aren’t pimple or chicken pox scars. They’re only half-inch thick sections where the mask was not applied. Don’t fault the person doing the applying. She has two black eyes. How well could you do if you had the same problem?

The last thing to notice about freshmen girls is their extensive use of tight clothing no matter how fit (or unfit) they are. Your boobs are not going to stick out any further by wearing a shirt that shows every crease in your body. Is that a baby? Oh wait, no, it’s just that your pants and shirt or so tight that all your skin and cellulite has been squeezed to your middle and is getting some fresh air. Ugh.

Listen, I don’t want to see the lace pattern on your bra even if it is limited edition. It’s called underwear because it’s under your clothing and everyone is not supposed to see it. It’s called Victoria’s Secret for a reason. It’s secret. Keep it that way. You leave nothing to the imagination when I know whether or not you have teriolas. Your mammaries popping out of the top of your turtleneck shows me that you don’t know how to shop even though facebook says that is one of your favorite activies.

This ends the first part of College Beauty. Stay tuned for more exciting information


3 Responses to “Observations on College Beauty: Freshmen”

  1. David said

    College freshmen are still stuck in high school. It takes a semester or two for them to snap out of it after they’ve gotten that freshmen 15.

  2. Catie said

    haha. teriolas…

  3. Richie said

    college douche nozzle. haha.

    also don’t forget the slightly visible boxers.

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