I Want to Fit In

Politically Incorrect Social Studies

I Love My Porcelain Throne

Posted by iwanttofitin on February 28, 2007

What is it about a toilet and pooing that is so enjoyable? Well, for guys at least and especially for me. My toilet and bathroom give me a nice warm feeling inside. Oh wait, that’s my poo. Man I gotta go bad!

Here’s the deal. Every bathroom in my house has a good book to read. The Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader books have gotten me through some tough fights with spicy foods. Those books are so good that I’ll even continue reading after I’m done. I’m not kidding. Why get up once the seat is warm?

I have this ritual when I take a nice sit-down that I’m sure others do but it has to be rare. I’d like to share it with you.

So I’m running up the stairs to use my personal sitting room and my butt hole is about to burst. This happens more often than not. I am in a constant state of hunger so I eat a lot and my body burns through all the goodness and leaves me dealing with the rest.

Ok. I’ve made it upstairs but WAIT! I forgot my iPod. Gotta have that music. But no, I can’t put my headphones on yet. That has to wait. I’m about to mess myself. I take my shirt off and place it on the door handle. Can’t get it wrinkled. My pants get thrown on the floor along with my boxers. If I’m wearing socks, they stay on-the floor could be cold. Now I can put my headphones on. Whooh! Just made it. That stinks. That’s right. I poo naked. Even in public restrooms except for gas stations and sports arenas/stadiums.

If I’m not reading something my attention gets turned to Solitaire on my iPod. I have to run through a few games of that before I wipe. If I’m lucky, I’ll have my TI-83 Plus sitting in there and I can play some Tetris. That used be a big bathroom time-waster for me, but my score is so high that I have to clear four lines every time to even have a chance of beating it. I know, I’m real good at Tetris. Call me champ. Falldown is good too, but the calculator has to be sitting on a table for me to really shine at that game.

The last part of my ritual is to check out what was left in the toilet. I like to examine it to make sure I’m healthy. If it floats you have problems. Sinkers are the best. Too dark might mean blood. Too light and you’re lacking some vitamins. If you eat gum or corn you’ll see know exactly how regular you are.

I’m done talking about this. That’s my routine if you even cared to know. Oh, and the toilet paper has to unroll from the top. You can’t have any of that behind the roll trash. All that’s left is a nice helping Febreeze spray to help with the smell and I’m out of there. Always spray a ton. That is a big bet peeve of mine. It shouldn’t smell like scented poo-just scent.

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7 Responses to “I Love My Porcelain Throne”

  1. Winluck said

    Hahaha! Oh man, you described it all perfectly. Except the pooing naked part. That’s not part of my routine. But everything else, all the necessary distractions, were right on the spot.

    Great, this post just reminded my brain and my bowels about something important. Excuse me while I go take a Nature-break.

  2. Jenn said

    Wow, I bet Catie LOVED this one.

  3. Catie said

    I mean, what can I say? The boy poos naked and he feels the need to share.

  4. sulz said

    i thought the floaters are good, that means that you’ve consumed enough fibre and that the sinkers are a sign that you need more fibre intake. i love to read on the throne, but apparently prolonged sitting in the toilet can be a factor in getting piles.

  5. Floaters mean you have a lot of gas in your poo. It usually means you’re sick or have a bad diet. The fiber thing is a myth.

  6. David said

    Sitting on the toilet too long can also make your legs fall asleep. Especially when you’re trying to take a nap at work.

  7. Also, if you support your back on the toilet seat lid, you get creases on your back.

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