Observations on College Beauty: Sophomores

College sophomores really aren’t that much different than the freshmen. Yeah, they have one year under their belt, but all that has done for them is added 15lbs (some will have put on more) to their puny frames. That makes a huge difference with all those tight clothes they started with. The shirt no longer reaches the pants. The tire swing around your waste is kinda gross.

I’ll admit it, the sophomore isn’t that exciting. They dress and act the same as freshmen. There is one added difference. They like to talk about how they are sophomores. A lot. It’s like all of a sudden they have this right to be cool. “Oh, I feel so old. High school feels like such a long time ago.” Get over it. I’ve been out of high school for almost 5 years. tough. What does all this have to do with beauty? Hold on. I’m thinking. This one is hard. Got it. Inner beauty. Nah. Continue to the next paragraph.

To the untrained eye (by this I mean a quick glance) one would think these youngins had already fallen into the slothful looking student. They finally get it and are taking the advice of their upper class-men. Sorry. Wrong observation. Did you look at any of the girls’ butts? Of course you did. What have you seen? PINK, SEXY, SLUTT, HOTT. These are secret codes for “I’m going to dress like the old folks but I’ll do it with style and I’m a whore in case you didn’t get the hint.” Sophomores miss the point. Dressing down isn’t done for fashion or for looks. It’s done out of necessity and comfort. It’s also done out of laziness.

Females are wearing prostitute pants and pirate pants (girls refer to these as Gauchos or something retarded like that) and the guys are wearing, well, they’re wearing the same exact thing as last year. Now, though, they’ve added a full range of colors to their color popping ways. Not content with just pink, they’ve decided that purple, hot orange, and lime green are ok too. I used to think this was out of style, but I see it happening more often than I’d like. Come on. The sweatshop worker put a crease in that collar for a reason. The least you could do is honor that dead child’s wishes.

If you’re looking to find a good girl to date, the sophomore year pickings are the best. Now that there has been some time to forget their high school stupidity, there are a few slim pickings available. 95% of the girls are doing the trashy pajama wear, so all you have to do is pick through the 5% who aren’t. They will usually already be well on their way to “I just woke up” crowd or just dress well. That’s a good specimen right there. Guys, you better find one under 20 so you can train them. You don’t want to be dragged around by her high maintenance ways. Get them out that face mask. Offer to peel it off with some surgical gloves because there might be mites or something living in that bacteria festival.

Girls can find a good guy too. Look for the guy who isn’t a dweeb and isn’t yelling across the dining hall to someone he met just once. You want the guy who has friends, not the one who pretends he does. The one who isn’t running across the green yelling for the football probably has a better self esteem. Of course, I’m biased. I suck at football. Oh yeah, make sure he has body hair too. The guy who looks like he just waxed himself is a bad bet.

Stay tune for part three: Juniors