You Say You Pop Your Collar?

Today we salute you, Mr. Constant Collar Popper Upper. You, bedecked in popped collar, teach us that we no longer have to live with a cold back of the neck. Sure, your Pink Alligator polo may look feminine to some, but not to the 17 other frat guys wearing the same thing at the bar. Where others may see thoughtless fashion conformity, you preach a higher gospel. You preach of a world where its ok for a man to go tanning. You ask, “Why can’t we wear make-up and use shampoo with a lavender essence?” So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Mr. Abercrombie (or is it Fitch?), because we all know, when we really need a piece of gum, you’ll have one…. In your man purse.

The following is not mine, but I feel compelled to share it with everyone:

I encountered someone who captures all of those aforementioned qualities. He is, in fact, the essence of douchebag. And a gay douchebag at that. Take notes, so you don’t make some of the same mistakes. His name was Oliver, and he was from Michigan. Two strikes against him already, just by waking up.

Name: Oliver. There aren’t many names that are more homosexual than Oliver. As soon as you were old enough to realize what your name was, you should have killed yourself. Don’t bother trying to change your name, because no matter what, you will always be Oliver, and you will always be from…

Home state: Michigan. Or Michidan. Whichever you prefer. Worst and gayest state in the union. God Michigan sucks.

Pink shirt: I don’t give a shit what any of these fashion faggots say, pink is not the new blue. Pink is freakin’ pink. Quit watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and put on a game. Ever notice that no sports teams in any league have pink anywhere in their uniforms? Not even the WNBA. Pink is the color of flowers and hippie’s hair and uninfected vagina. No man should EVER wear this color in any way. EVER. If you wear a pink shirt at any time you are a douchebag. You look like a pussy and a sissy, and I want to shit down your throat. Especially when you wear a pink shirt with a…

Popped collar: No. This just enhances your overly apparent douchebaggedness. When you buy a collared shirt, it comes with the collars folded over exactly how they should be. Leave them alone. Why do you want to hide your neck so bad? Don’t want to show off that hickie you got last night from that dumb slut you slipped some rufies? Because that is the only way you’re pulling any box with your collar turned up. Girls laugh at you. No matter what you think, it is not cool. Flip it back down and go change out of your…

Black undershirt: Is this supposed to fool us into thinking you’re hard? Let me remind you, you’re wearing a PINK shirt, with the collar up. You are not hard. Although I guess it matches your…

Wristband: What the? This pisses me off maybe more than any other thing here. Just get done trying to play basketball? Do you sweat profusely around attractive women, and need to swipe your brow every now and then? Or is this just another ploy to seduce some unsuspecting whore? Perhaps you’re wearing it because it matches that black undershirt which makes you look hard and brings out your true metrosexuality? Metrosexuals are gay. And so are you with your…

Cell phone clip: Hey dickhead, everyone has a cell phone now. 90% of 11 year olds have cell phones now. My 74 year old grandfather has a cell phone. There is no need to show it off to anyone. Pants have pockets for a reason. Use them. Oh wait, that’s probably where you keep your stash of rufies, and the stuff you use to make that…

Hemp bracelet: God I hate you, and the fact that you are giving the camera a…

Peace sign: The Persian Gulf war ended over a decade ago, and with it went the peace sign. Maybe you were letting that fag behind you checking out your ass know how many fingers you want him to use. And what’s up with those…

“Intellectual glasses”: You are not smart. And those specs aren’t tricking us into thinking you are. Remember, you have on a PINK shirt. Obviously you are not intelligent. I mean, come on, you also have on a…

Detroit Tigers hat: Not that I have anything against the Tigers, but wearing this hat exhibits the fact that you are either from Michigan, or cheer for Michigan sports teams. Both are equally unacceptable. Everyone from and everything about Michigan sucks. Michigan, along with Wisconsin should join Canada. Or you could just move there. We wouldn’t care. And Canada wouldn’t notice that you’re wearing…

Earrings in both ears: Well I guess we’re back in 8th grade now, and you’re rebelling against your parents by doing something they don’t like. You are not goth, and you are not a rock star. You are a douchebag. Seriously, in your hand is…

Not a beer: Notice everyone in the picture is holding a beer, except for Oliver. His Powerade and vodka makes him look like a real tough guy. Berry Blue. Mmmmmmmm. That could expain his…

Stupid facial expression: The typical look of a douchebag. “I’m too cool to actually have my picture taken, so when you force me to, I will make a facial expression to make it appear that I am cooler than everyone else around me when in reality I suck dick.” This look will be easy to spot on anyone who displays any of the above.

Now you know how to spot a douchebag, or realize that you are one. For those of you who aren’t, when you see a douchebag on the streets with your friends, make sure to point and laugh at him and give him the Factual Material douchebag salute. To do this, just extend one hand out, and make a motion with it as if you were, in fact, squeezing a douche bag. And if anyone recognizes Oliver here somewhere, punch him in the face and break those stupid glasses.